i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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