i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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