were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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