I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
