i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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