my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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