I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
