I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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