Just fell off a train. Bad.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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