i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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