420 ftw
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
