My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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