never play flip cup with pint glasses
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
