In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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