from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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