I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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