he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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