yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
