Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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