Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
