filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
