Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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