I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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