Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
