Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
