hotel room ftw
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
