I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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