My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it