he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!