I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals