I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
