Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
