wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
