i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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