"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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