I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
