capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
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Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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