I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
