dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
