The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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