Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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