Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
