Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover