I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties