I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
