Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
