he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
