he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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