i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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