Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
