Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
