he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
