"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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