tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
