that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my shit smells like andre
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
