Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
