Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
