mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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