Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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